This week was Brothers K.
Only the unwritten can truly live a life. So who I was, what I was, had to be unwritten. - Everett
Suffering is above, not below.
And everyone thinks that suffering is below.
And everyone wants to rise.
~Antonio Porchia
There are kinds of human problems which really do seem, as our tidy expressions would have it, to "come to a head" and "demand to be dealth with." But there are also problems, often just as serious, which come to nothing that we can recognize or openly deal with. Some long-lived, insidious problems simply slip us off to one side of ourselves. Some gently rob us of just enough energy or faith so that days which once took place on a horizontal plane become an endless series of uphill slogs. And some - like high water working year after year at the roots of a riverside tree - quietly undercut our trust or our hope, our sense of place, or our humor, our ability to empathize, or to feel enthused, and we don't sense impending danger, we don't feel the damage at all, till one day, to our amazement, we find ourselves crashing to the ground. - Kade
"There's something missing," he told Chekhov, handing him the last brown bag. "But there's always something missing. Having things missing, even indispensable things, is a fact of life, don't you think? And life goes on anyhow. Except for the missing parts. Which were indispensable, so of course it goes on all out of whack. But that, hell and damn, is why we prefer things like cooking and eating brown paper bags to philosophizing. Don't you think?"
Chekhov stared at the falling snow, chewed his bag, voiced no opinion. - Everett
We never know, with regard to the inner life, who or when lightning is going to strike. Often we don't even know when we ourselves are the one so stricken. - Kade
Because an eye for an eye is smart, see, but love is dumb, lovers are fools. - Kade
No sign of the people, nothing left of 'em now. But still shining down. And still trying to maybe tell us, Enjoy it down there. Live like you mean it. 'Cause once upon a time, this was a world too.
I feel as though we're all headed in slow motion for a car wreck, knowing already that we're all going to be injured. - Kade
It's clear to me now that the economy of the psyche, the inner checks and balances, our inner workings are so tricky, so impossibly fragile, we're so easily crushed, that I can't believe any longer that it's me alone, or even me and you alone, or even me and you and luck alone, that's keeping me alive. I feel now that we could die or be killed or be driven mad by grief or disaster at any moment. Even the strongest of us. Or be killed on the inside without even being touched. Yet my reaction to this, Tasha, has suddenly ceased to be anger and begun to be gratitude. - Everett
Why does my whole heart, every beat, round the clock, answer my mind's constant groaning with: but wait, but wait, but wait...?
I have been something of an emotional wreck for the last week or so. While that statement may sound glib to some, for me, the guy who will remain emotionally objective through a hurricane, that´s tantamount to a nervous breakdown. It started out with Carnival. The Mt. Everest of emotional peaks. For two days (which are really just one LONG day), the entire world descends on a tiny little town in Bolivia to celebrate a 2000 year old tradition that remains the Continent´s largest folkloric festival. Involving over 28,000 dancers and 10,000 musicians, this street parade lasts for more than 20 hours... which means that if you´re young and somewhat out of touch with reality, you may think it´s a good idea to try to ¨live it up¨ as they say and be right in the thick of it the entire time.
Emm hmm...
I almost made it.
After about 14 hours of dancing, shouting, screaming, yelling, running from police, running from mobs, running to bathrooms, getting sprayed with water, getting sprayed with foam from these terrible little spray cans (which, by the way, are supposed to be non-toxic yet still cause terrible rashes), and eating whatever street food I could get my hands on, I just HAD to take a break. At one point I was so covered in foam that my sunglasses fell off my head and were instantly scooped up by a little kid who proceeded to put them on and then laugh at me. Not knowing what else to do I laughed right back at him, but he may have sensed this as some form of aggression because instead of returning my glasses like any responsible 8 year old he whisked off through the crowd never to be seen or heard from again. Sigh... I hope he trips in a puddle.
Needless to say it was hectic. I would have loved to be able to share some pictures with you all of the madness, but the sheer number of people in the streets means that you will, with your full knowledge but complete inability to prevent it, have your pockets rifled through at least two or three times while being crushed into the sweaty back of the person in front of you. So fortunately for me I left my camera at home. EVERY other person that I know of in my party who took a camera had theirs either stolen or lost.
It was great.
But then on the emotional flipside of Carnival there is the continuing job hunt that grows ever more depressing and ever more threatening towards my self-esteem. It´s not so much the lack of opportunity, although that has something to do with it, but moreso my inability to reconcile what my heart asks of me with what my bank account tells me. I don´t want to just find something that works, I want magic! And right now that desire means that I must live quite simply in order to meet my financial obligations, even while I continue to search for that THING that I can´t articulate and barely know how to imagine. And THAT, my dear friends, stresses me out at times.
But just as Everett in Brothers K comes to question, I too must grapple with the understanding that even as my head groans my heart responds, with every beat in my body, ¨but wait, but wait, but wait...¨
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